The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”