@MichaelTrying: The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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@novicefather: I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don't own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
@Jandalize: I'm not saying I don't like you, but if you had an open wound I'd hand you a salt shaker.
@FatherWithTwins: Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman. 4yo: Who's Aquaman? Me: EXACTLY!