@MichaelTrying: The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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@SteveSuckington: We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
@tamytoo2: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me:I'm cute? Cop: Nope Me: you like my car? Cop: Nope Me: I could do this all day.
@turboescortdude: 3 y/o: I want a bagel Me: We don't have any 3 y/o: You're a idiot Me: How did you survive your abortion
@chuuew: As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won't activate the touch screen, I'm long gone.