The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
This headline is a thing of beauty
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
$3 #books
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?