The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
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LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
cause of death:
autopsy.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
12. I think about this all the damn time
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
2022 will be better than 2021