@smelbz: The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don't like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.
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@Stuccoman1: The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can't he read a magazine like a normal dog?
@boring_as_heck: Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said.
@Tmoney68: Ladies, if he tells you he's 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren't two separate measurements.
@audipenny: A snake is what happens when a string goes "what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head"