Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
This is painfully accurate 😅
The devil.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.