Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
everyone’s a critic
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
based al yankovic
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”