Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
We’re all getting idioter.
Venn
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.