@RamblingMachine: The worst part of having to kiss someone is when the coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
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@ohmygrapeness: Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked. Wait, what
@dadamantium: Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know? Him: Yeah. Me: Want another juice box, bro? Him: Yeah. 3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.
@GoldenSpirals: The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to "Take Care". I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.