Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
It’s a gift
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS