The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
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when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Well, this is awkward
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.