The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”