the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
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Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.