The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.