@Social_Mime: The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."
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@KeetPotato: [gameshow] me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] "17" host: [looks at me weird] "that's wrong" other contestant: "salmon?" host: "correct"
@PajamaBen_: *cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you
@koalaslament: I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.