The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)