The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma