@kimwilliamz: The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
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@ashleycrem: HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
@_davidlucas_: The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.
@JP_theAntiHero: Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face. I teared up a little. I get strippers, I get it.