The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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Always a metermaid never a meter
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me