The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“Wait, let me explain..”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.