The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.