@goldengateblond: The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
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@sammyrhodes: There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
@Playing_Dad: [Divorce court] Judge: The reason you're divorcing is "he's annoying?" Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike" J: Baliff, throw him in jail
@theshantilly: 9: I'm writing a book based on a true story. Me: Make me look good. 9: FINE. I'll write something else.
@SuperApple8: If Ryan Gosling doesn't ask me to be his valentine, I'm moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.