The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.