My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
You Might Also Like
I can’t be the only one 😂
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.