The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way