@KatieBurnett: The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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@TheBeerGuy73: [Voice from police helicopter] PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! *raises hands* *takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight* *uploads new avi*
@caithuls: [my head is bleeding] HIM: Have u seen a doctor??? ME: Buddy, I've seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey's Anatomy...
@LookAwayMomDad: I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.