The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
i wish we could shoplift online
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7