The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
my first day as a raccoon
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.