The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
You Might Also Like
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no