The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.