The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
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Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
we’re gonna need another temp
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box