@armyVet1972: The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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@just1fool: I'm not gullible but she said I was the best she's ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.
@XplodingUnicorn: Tonight's parenting lesson: If a 2-year-old says, "I'm going to puke," FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T CALL HER BLUFF. I need a shower.
@SavoirFail: I don't do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
@bourgeoisalien: Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.