The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
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Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Saturday
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.