The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Animal poetry
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick