The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Bootstraps
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
quarantine day 3
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I think this should do it.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong