@JermHimselfish: The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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@ilovepie84: I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep
@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair
@BestScienceJoke: The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
@TheAlexNevil: Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes? Baker: But of course! When do you need it by? M: No, I'll just eat it here.