The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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“What movie?” 🤔
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Oops
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.