Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Pikachu found the lost joint
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
love pickles so much i put myself in one