The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
<—- homeless romantic
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.