@Smethanie: The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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@Contwixt: Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
@Mikecanrant: *Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part* *Turns to GF* "You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code"
@Jarhead44: My ex just followed me on Twitter. That said: "Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary." *BLOCKED*