The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
You Might Also Like
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.