The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
You Might Also Like
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”