@WiseguyPictures: The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you've taken a large hit from helium balloon.
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@TragicAllyHere: Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family. Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
@ramblinma: I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy "that Santa brought" and now I'm stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
@msdanifernandez: *on death bed* priest: any regrets my child? *montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it* me: uhhhhh