The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
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“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
accurate
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.