The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
You Might Also Like
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance