[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
damn he’s good
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
my astrological sign is a french fry
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*