The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.