The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
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Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still