The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
so this horse walks into a bar
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.