The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.