The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.