The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.