The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Tier 3 meme
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream