The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
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my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!