cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
reminder
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone