I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
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her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.