The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
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*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
You better watch out
I wish this was real life…
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?