The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
You Might Also Like
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Why soy sad?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind