The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
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My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Running from your problems is cardio .
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too