The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
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– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Thank you corporation very cool
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.